THE FEARLESS ONE

I guess she was about eighteen or nineteen when I met her. she could have been even younger, but I hope not. she was beautiful. I don't mean that sappy " she was beautiful " bullshit writers talk about. I mean, just stop you in your tracks, freak you the fuck out beautiful. but, I know lots of women like that. I know how lucky I am. I talk about a few of them in other stories. but, this one. this one had style. her own style , that  looked like it was familiar ,but felt brand new. and when she opened her mouth to talk, you just stopped. hell, everything stopped. you wanted to never let her out of your sight. you wanted her to go one forever. About anything. because she was talking to you. and you felt special. her heart was huge. Even then. just huge. gorgeous. smart. funny.kind. filled with excitement and hope and sweet, kind love. and I knew, I would never, ever try to fuck her.

I fucked a lot back then. it was easy. most of the time. and fun. most of the time. part of it was I just was young. and lived in the best city in the world. and smart, cool women were all around me. its one of many perks of being the guy. the door guy. the good guy. the guy who beats people up, but has a brain. The guy who works at the scariest, coolest bar in the scariest coolest city in the world. Being the door guy was great. and ,I know this sounds like bullshit,but I really wasn't interested in women who were only interested in me for my job. I met everyone, but I chased very few. everyone wants to be your pal.everyone. your job is to make everyone feel safe. and welcome. because it was a freak show. but ,it was MY freak show. I loved the place. The music. The fashion. The promise. I admit it.
 I fucking loved being the guy.

A lot of responsibility with that job , if you honor and respect what you've been given. one of those things we paid strict attention to was the group that came up in the scene right after us. it was harder for us, so we had a tough shell already. two years later, it seemed a little easier. And if you were new, your guard wasn't up as much. we watched out for those kids. at least the good ones did. the assholes preyed on them. and not just the fucking tourists .some of our own. a lot of our own. we usually could steer things right pretty quick, but you cant catch everything. you try. You can't. we kept the wolves at bay, and when we couldn't ,we froze them out. no more cheap drinks.no more free entry.no more guests or friendly banter at the door. move along, you aren't welcome anymore. most of the sleazebags got it.if they didn't ,the younger ones that were with them did. And they broke away. if you were a door guy and you did that shit? it got real ugly. Real fast. we weren't like rush street. We weren't like anyplace. we took care of our own.

So, I kept an eye on her. and, her mom was a friend of mine from another club, so I felt the responsibility for her. she was family. but, she was fucking sexy and adventurous and wild .I had my hands full. we actually had apartments next to each other over Mickeys store 99th floor for a while. I lost count of the skinheads I tossed down the stairs at that place. Thank god for petey her pit .he kept his eye out while I wasn't around. I had two guys who were friends ask my permission before chasing her. which showed some class. so I said okay. it was understood what was waiting for them if they fucked up. Then,we worked at china club together. that got interesting quick. a guy I knew was trying to chase her. I told him to stop. scumbag guy,didnt want it to escalate. I ended up choking him out on the cigarette machine in the hall. Scotty Brown pulled me off him. when I told him why I was choking the guy he told me to keep going.

Then I went on the road touring, and ended up in New York . lower east side. lots of fun. I was working the door at all the hot clubs, hanging with rock stars and hells angels. and I had a huge drug habit. king of the world!!!  I ran into her outside the continental club on St.Marks. she was in town, hanging out with her man Jimmy Gestapo. she had no idea  I lived there. she was going back to Brooklyn with Jimmy after the show. gave me his number.
we were going to hang out before she went home. I stopped at the 24 hour Laundromat on 7th , bought a bunch of dope and coke ,went home and got high. I felt great! seeing her was amazing.

I woke up, I was walking, in a rainstorm . I had walked from 7 and D where I lived to the financial district. it was five fucking a.m. I found a payphone. I called Jimmy's apartment. He picked up, I asked for her, he handed her the phone. she asked what was up, and I proceeded to rant about how I had tons of cash, was up, lets party. Its going to be great! we can run around and have fun for days! its going to be the best thing ever! real quiet on the other end. finally, " oh, darling,you aren't making any sense. are you okay? ,where are you, do you want us to come get you? " and then, I heard the crying. I hung up. I walked home. all I could think about was, this little girl, who I had protected and watched over for years ,who was one of the kindest, sweetest people in my world, I made her cry. I made her cry. I couldn't fathom it. I got home somehow, soaking wet, and devastated. I passed out.

I slept a really long time. walked the half block to the laundry to cop, went to work. I was in the bathroom at Webster Hall, getting ready to snort my first line. I did a whole bag of blow first. waited a couple seconds. I put the straw in the dope bag. I leaned into it. I heard it. clear as day, I heard her crying. and I heard her voice. she was scared for a guy who was supposed to keep her unafraid. she was scared for me.and sad. I made  her sad. I started to cry. I  couldn't stop myself for about ten minutes. I did more coke. I wish I could tell you otherwise, I can't . but, I couldn't bring
 myself to  do the heroin. I just couldn't. and I stopped. it was hard. no way to sugar coat that. I was sick a long time. I still drank, I still did coke. But I never touched dope again. because I was terrified I would hear her crying. that simple.

like it happens we lost touch for years. now, we talk on the internet . she has an amazing family down in Texas .she helps people with their spirits and souls. she is the most amazing punk rock earth mother in the world.  I'm clean and sober now,lifes great. its been twenty years since I let her down. and every once in awhile, I remember it. and I cry. Or laugh.

Either way, I never said thank you. this is my thank you. I love you, and always will.
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